Jen's Blog

I don’t want to do this anymore… but I can’t find a way out.

I hate this cycle. I will be okay for a bit then hit rock bottom. Rock bottom was last night. I could not get the image out of my head of watching blood flowing from my wrist into water. So I cut my wrist. Not terribly bad, but enough that I would bleed and got into a hot bath to see the color run. Yes. I know. This sounds bad. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if it even matters. My mom was here this weekend and I think that was part of the downward spiral. I think she might be the reason I am so harsh on myself. The last day was just complete hell and she noticed too. I will never be good enough for her. Lets face it, I’m a fuck up. I just don’t care anymore, and thats a scary revelation.

I have 3 types of days:

Type one: I will be walking out my front door to go to class and look up at the flatirons in the distance and feel the sun shining on my face, or be walking through the courtyard, smiling at the colorful, crunchy fall leaves on the ground. And I smile, and it feels like maybe one day everything will be good. Maybe one day I won’t feel so alone, misunderstood, won’t have to be medicated. Maybe one day I will get to be normal. These are the days of hope.

Type 2: These are the days I merely exist. Its an overused metaphor but I’m like a duck on a pond, I seem normal on the outside, I smile and laugh at the right times and just get things done. But that is the bottom line, I just am. There is no enjoyment. I just try to get up in the morning, complete whatever I have to do for the day and then go to bed at night. Yet underneath millions of things fly through my head at a pace even I cannot keep up with. These are the days of getting by.

Type 3: These are the days that scare the hell out of me. It feels like I’m at the bottom of a pond, the water is dark and murky and I’m trying to get to the top but I can’t, like I’m weighted down and my mind says just take a deep breath and everything will be easier, you will just go. These are the days where I fight against my own mind. My mind says I will always be alone, always be unhappy and always misunderstood. These are the days I try to survive.

Type 2 is my version of normal, always has been. Types 1 and 3 are just thrown in there for variety. I used to have more of type 2 but now my world seems to be filled with type 3. The thoughts that flow through my head are deep and dark and hard to escape. I feel like I will never escape this depression with my life the way it is now. But then the question is, what to do? How do I change but still hold on to everything I love? You might think what there is to lose when you are fighting your own mind for your life but there are some things I cannot change or live without. But I must find a way out, a way I can change. A way I can survive. I just don’t know how and it scares the living hell out of me. I want to be happy, I want to be in love, I want to be able to smile, really smile. I want to not cry myself to sleep every night. Everything hurts so badly that I just don’t know where to turn anymore, I don’t know how to breathe. I don’t know how to fight it anymore.

I hiked to Lake Isabelle today. It was absolutely amazing. The lake is at tree line and still surrounded by snow which allowed me to explore as much as I wanted and still not destroy the beauty of the place. Blue water, clean white snow, grey rocks and the base of many beautiful peaks. It wasn’t a long hike, about 5 miles in total but getting out into the forest always breaks my mind from the usual. I thought about how much I would absolutely LOVE to just walk away from everything in life and just live in the mountains, fend for myself, just live. I think I was born in the wrong century to be honest, how much I would love to be an explorer or such. Imagine being the first explorer to cross a ridge and see everything out in the distance, and get to travel there, in the wild, no cars, no roads, just what you brought with you and the other people. I have such a bad case of wanderlust!

After a tear-filled conversation with my mother last night I have decided to get back on my meds. I feel like a failure for needing them again but I figure its better than the alternative? Hopefully I can change to a new set of meds once I switch over to my school’s insurance. If that all works out, hopefully…

Not entirely sure of where I’m going from here. My anxiety is awful tonight thinking about work tomorrow morning. It will be a rough day as per usual, I’m sure. I need a new outlet for all of this crap that fills my head and the anxiety that never seems to go away. But at least my mind is under control in comparison to last night…

*blink* blood filled water *blink* jumping into rapids *blink* gunshot *blink* car accident *shake my head* ‘can’t do that to him, I’m being stupid’ *blink* taking the rest of my pill stock *blink* stepping out in traffic *blink* falling from a cliff *shake my head* ‘STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT!’ *blink* carbon monoxide *blink* stepping out onto the highway *blink* hanging *shake my head* ‘please just stop’

My mind is circling the drain and I’m not sure what to do anymore. Thought about checking myself in tonight, but what is stopping me is my dog, funny enough. I can’t be without him and I know I would fall apart. He is a big part of my safety line, I cannot leave him, so it helps to keep me alive despite my stupid mind. I’m trying to manage on my own but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. For the time being the thoughts have stopped, hopefully I can get some rest tonight and go hiking in the morning.

Note to self: killing people who piss you off is not a good life option. Revenge, however, is fun.

Everything seems to be a mess at this point in time. Work, school, friends, relationships…

I’m off my meds. Thats a scary thing to undertake for me seeing as I cannot even remember what I was like before them. But its something I must do. While at times it is scary not to have something to control my emotions with at the same time every little bump in the road that I do get over seems like a huge accomplishment. There is nothing to help me along so its ME that is conquering things, not a stupid pill. But the anxiety is hard for me to control most of all, and when my anxiety is bad the suicidal thoughts come back.

Currently I am trying to decide whether to call in sick to work tomorrow or not. Lately I have been the target of a lot of bad things at work, and this time it is 100% bullshit. I feel like a night in the mountains would do wonders for me, but calling in sick will set me back with my coworkers that much more. Even the one person who I thought always had my back at work has turned their back on me, which hurts even more because we are sleeping together.

However, that situation must change soon. Friday night when he was over we were joking around and he slapped me, he didnt mean anything by it but still, with my past it really really hurt. He doesn’t understand how hard things are for me, and because of that I think I need to end things. But I’m scared that if I do end things he will snap on me and use the situation against me. He is usually very supportive at work and backs me up, as I do for him, and I don’t want to lose that either. Decision time…

A while ago I made the decision to remove myself from the life of one of my friends. It broke my heart to do it but I had to, I thought that it would let him go and be happy with the girl he was with and allow me to get over loving him. Two weeks ago he told me that he needs me in his life too, and that I’m the only one he can really talk to, etc… So I caved, it was hard to stay away from him in the first place even though it was the better choice for me. But I just don’t understand WHY. Why me? Why does he need me in his life if he has her? Why would he ask this of me when he knows staying away is better for me? Why would he say such things to a girl he knows is in love with him? My head was consumed with thoughts of this for a long time, circling from hopeful to upset to very very angry. In the end I know he doesn’t love me. I know how I want him and how he wants me will never mesh. It really kills me just to type this now. :S I know I should just disappear from his life for my sake and for his. But the painful truth is that I am not strong enough to leave him while he still needs me. I will do anything he needs. It has been two weeks since that conversation, and I haven’t spoken to him since. I want to be able to talk all of this through with him so badly, to try and understand his side of things. But more than anything I hope he is okay, I always worry that he has done something bad when he disappears for so long.

I’ve been trying to figure out my plans for college. I’m trying again, starting over. New major picked, new classes chosen. The only issue now is paying for it. My parents have covered 1/2 of my tuition but that still leaves a lot of money for me to find. I’m trying to get a loan for the rest but I’m so scared I won’t get it and I will have to drop out again… not sure I could handle that. Right now things are at a standstill as paperwork is filed and that is just irritating beyond belief.

I’ve been hiking on my days off lately. Two weeks ago I went and hiked around a lake and most of the hike was along a creek, we’ve had a lot of rain lately so there were huge powerful waterfalls and rapids. At one point I sat down next to them and thought to myself how easy it would be to just jump in and let the current take me away and end things. Lately the thought that has been saving me is that I really want to see what is coming next for me in life, just want the future, because there has to be something better than this. I’m worried that one day it might not be enough though, and I will just follow through with one of those thoughts that cross my mind.

My biggest question is… what is keeping me here?